Depression
Not such a good break
Last Monday we went to Ayr for a short break but it ended up being stressful. When we got to the caravan the key wasn’t inside so we had to go to the reception. The receptionist we spoke to wasn’t exactly the most helpful or polite one we have ever met. We were given a key fairly quickly but while we were waiting another customer was complaining to another receptionist. She had arrived an hour earlier and was still waiting for a key. She even said at one point she couldn’t believe there wasn’t one key anywhere on the site for the caravan.
We got back to our caravan to eat and relax as we were tired. The next morning we went out and found out that it was the wrong key so went back to reception only to be told they couldn’t guarantee when we would get the right key. By this time we were getting irritated to the point I said our holiday had already been ruined by the attitude there. We found out later there were several new members of staff and there had been numerous complaints. We’ve been there before but without any hassles but decided to go out anyway.
Returning back to the site the key had been given to security for us. It was a relief the ‘new’ key actually fitted. I was still fed up and my mood worsening.
On Thursday we went to the Isle of Arran having bought the ferry ticket the day before. Arriving at Troon we found the ferry had been cancelled and had to go to Ardrossan, fortunately we had enough time to get there. We then found out on the journey that ferries were being cancelled due to severe weather warnings and to go back on a return journey after getting off the ferry. There was no room to do the return journey so we had about an hour on the island. This meant getting a coffee each then waiting in the car,
Due to the weather warning we came home Thursday instead of Friday. It was just as well as the weather was already getting bad at home. It doesn’t feel like we’ve been away and it’s one holiday I want to forget.
My mood hasn’t improved – it’s got worse – and it’s hard to put on a happy face at the moment. I haven’t slept well for over a week now so it was a good excuse to use this morning before the parent / carer and toddler group.
Busy times
The past few months have been busy generally. It has included a short break down south to see family which I enjoyed as it’s lovely seeing the great nieces and nephews.
Since getting back church activities have been slowly started back up again although these stopped due to C0VID-19 which is also before we started going there. Since we’ve been going there the whole church building has had a great deal of work down on it.
The once a week cafe on Thursdays started up first and is going well, the mother and toddler group started on Monday morming and the ‘leisure’ morning started on Tuesday. Three of us went in to do a bit of re-arranging in the kitchen rather than play games.
Messy Church will officially start in October once a month but on Sunday afternoon we went to the village green to set up activities, had goody bags with leaflets and gave out hot dogs. It went well and the children enjoyed themselves.
We are going to have a break next week and have a few days away. I am really looking forward to that as I’m so tired although the two of us having colds hasn’t helped. We still have a MacMillan coffee morning to get through yet which is on tomorrow.
My mood hasn’t been great recently either as there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Hopefully the few days of enforced will help with that.
I hate depression ….
I can honestly say I hate deppression with a vengeance. After all the years I’ve suffered with it the battle doesn’t get any easier.
There are times of respite with the feeling that life is getting better then a trigger brings it all back. Usually it’s something small, other times I don’t know what has happened. This has happened recently and for the first time in a long time I’m finding it hard to pull myself out of it.
My physical health probably doesn’t help as it’s getting worse to the point that I’m in constant pain. The worst is in my lower back, hips and between my left hip down to my left knee. For the past 3 years I haven’t bothered with seeing a doctor after a telephone appointment. I explained it was pointless having a telephone appointment as the doctor wouldn’t be able to see where the pain was but I was told it was that or nothing.
As expected the doctor just said there was nothing that could be done for the pain and I would have to live with it. A few months later I was in hospital for five days as it was my gall bladder that was causing the extra pain.
We had been out to do shopping and on the way back I decided I would go into our (new due to moving) doctor’s surgery, I’ve got an appointment for the 15th July but I’m prepared for the wait as at least they will have it on record what problems I’m having.
It’s got that bad I am in constant pain sitting, walking and sleeping. Not sleeping too well is making me more depressed, not being able to walk far and struggling to open packaging due to swollen, painful fingers adds to it.
The Joy of Spring
My mood has been up and down over the past month although the one thing that has had me smiling without effort has been seeing lambs. There is something almost magical about them and as the weather has been good they seem to be growing quickly. There have also been some calves to watch as well but we seem to see far more sheep than cows around here.
Village life suits me much more than living in a town as I love the countryside. It doesn’t matter which direction we go it’s great having villages and countryside.
We’ve got a Motobility car now although we still have the other car. The new one is automatic which makes life much easier for me as my hands are getting worse. Whether we keep the other car long term is another matter but it has been MOT’d today anyway.
Struggling with depression
Lately I have been suffering with severe depression which, in turn, has affected my sleeping. It’s soul destroying not getting enough sleep as well then anxiety has kicked in as well. Of course it’s also made me very snappy which I’ve been trying to curb.
Today has been particularly bad due to having changed energy supplier. We were with EDF who are a nightmare to deal with at the best of times but being on pay as you go as well hasn’t helped. Yesterday was day one of being with Utilita so I made a payment online as it suits me doing it that way. By this morning the credit still wasn’t showing and at about 11am the electricity went off completely so we had to make a phone call. After waiting about 50 minutes we finally spoke to a real person who then had to deal with the situation his end. Eventually the electricity came back on and the credit was showing on the account.
The one good thing that came out of it was that the emplyee made sure that it has been noted on my account that we are disabled which helps with getting priority treatment. I don’t like playing the disability card as a rule but I don’t think my mental health can cope with energy problems too often.
…. and so it continues
My mood is going further down and the periods when I feel happier are much shorter. The slightest thing darkens my day although it’s probably too many little things that have built up over the years that have cummulated to be a big deal now. Things such as ….
- being constantly talked over
- constantly being interrupted
- the constant talking when I am doing absolutely anything including dealing with the important stuff in life
- the constant repetitice teasing which got boring years ago
- getting the blame for things that are beyond my control
- constantly having to listen to one person’s prblems and hurts yet when I try to get support I’m ignored or it causes a row because I’m a woman / women cope better / nothing is worse that what this person is going through
The list could go on but the reality is I’m getting emotionally put down and getting to the point of sealing my shell with me insidr in it. Aftr all the years of hard work on my part to build up my self confidence, self esteem and trust are being smashed to pieces again.
Struggling and trying to be positive
My mood has been all over the place sonce Christmas. My first positive was going back to the hospital for a blood test and got the result back before leaving which was it was normal.
The main thing for dragging my mood down has been because of our roof and was reported in October as we had a leak. We live in a bungalow and water was dripping into our lounge but after a few weeks, we had had a holiday, we had two leaks and we believe that water has been dripping into the bedroom.
When Rick rang up again we were told that we had an appointment for the 30th December and we should have been told when it was made. Of course neither of us were happy as it was winter and the weather wasn’t great and the bungalow is damp which is bad for our health. So another appointment was made for a roofer to come round. He replaced 5 tiles but told the roof on the front of the bungalow needed repaing and scaffolding would be put up first.
Scaffolding was more recently put up then we found out the roof wouldn’t be done till May so both of us were at exploding point.
Last week an electrician came round to do a safety check and we were woken up early by him so requested he came back another day. When Rick rang up to sort out a date for the safety check he was given a date which was before the roof would be done. He ended having an argument saying that it was stupid to have the safety check before the roof was done due to the damp. We felt that we were being blackmailed as we were told that if the safety test wasn’t done the roof wouldn’t get done. It seemed ridiculous as the ceiling could have come down and would be unlivable here. The attitude was if that happened the Housing Association would send a claim form. I was shocked as it comes under health and safety plus we have health issues.
We evntually won the battle and the roof has been done now and an electician is coming next week. It’s frustrating as we both suffer with depression on top of (body) health issues and our moods have suffered.
My joints are getting worse which means I don’t sleep as well which makes my mood worse. I have got to the stage that I’m hesitant to ring up for GP’s appointment as the last time I got a telephone appointment. At that point part of the pain was because of my gallbladder which was missed because I couldn’t show her where that pain was.
My name is Philippa
I wrote the following on November 7, 2015:
I am sitting with my laptop on my lap ready so here I go, “My name is Philippa and I suffer with severe depression.”
Does that scare you?
Does it make you feel awkward?
Is your instinct want to change the subject?
The subject of depression does affect people in these ways but it’s also okay to be honest. You can leave and go back to your comfort zone or you can read. If you decide to read it may help you to understand better.
Depression still has a stigma, depression sufferers still suffer in silence, people still commit suicide because they are at rock bottom. Me?
Well yes, I have suffered with depression for most of my life but have only been open for the past ten years. Why?
I didn’t understand that I did suffer with depression for several years. At 19 years old I had my son – that’s another story which will be touched on – and I knew I was suffering with post-natal depression. But. It didn’t stop there. I still suffered in silence. I was expected to get on with my life and act as if ours was a well-adjusted family to the outside world. But. I still couldn’t talk about how I was really feeling. I was just ‘moody’. I was a ‘drama queen’. There were people far worse off than me. Silence. I put on my mask and got on with my life. The alternative?
Death.
I hate being so depressed
I am really struggling with my mood being on that slippery road of going downhill. Yesterday was particularly bad as it is my most hated day of the year. It didn’t help having to remind a certain person what day it was. That said it seemed to make my mood even more but add to that I’m owed money but am still battling to get it four years on. Had it been the other way round I would have been forced to pay it yet as always me, as the victim, can’t get the money owed even though the court knows this. My words were twisted, the judge disregarded what I said and now I have a new battle to fight again just to get what’s owed to me.
It’s so tiring trying to get through each day and the weather doesn’t help. The recent heatwave has eased but it’s still difficult to decide what to wear and I’m not sleeping particularly well either. During the evenings I feel drowsy sometimes but I can guarantee by the time I get to bed I will be wide awake.
At the moment I am either watching DVDs, playing games or reading just to make the time go a bit quicker. If I’m more fortunate I start feeling drowsy. So onwards and downwards until something snaps.
Continual tiredness
I am very fed up of feeling tired all of the time regardless of whether I’ve had a good night’s sleep or not. Days seem to blur into each other so I have to remember what day it is. Waiting for deliveries doesn’t help and we don’t know when we will be having our second jabs although I am just happy we’ve had our first ones.
It seems like when I think my mood couldn’t get any lower something happens and it gets worse. I know the pandemic doesn’t help and we are limited in what we can do but I have enough to keep me busy. It doesn’t help and now I’m falling into the bad habit of not wanting to eat. That wouldn’t be so bad if I lost weight like I used to but that doesn’t happen now and I put weight on.
I feel like I’m on a slippery sloop that I don’t want to fall off ….