Wearing a Mask
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November 2021
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Depression

Continual tiredness

I am very fed up of feeling tired all of the time regardless of whether I’ve had a good night’s sleep or not. Days seem to blur into each other so I have to remember what day it is. Waiting for deliveries doesn’t help and we don’t know when we will be having our second jabs although I am just happy we’ve had our first ones.

It seems like when I think my mood couldn’t get any lower something happens and it gets worse. I know the pandemic doesn’t help and we are limited in what we can do but I have enough to keep me busy. It doesn’t help and now I’m falling into the bad habit of not wanting to eat. That wouldn’t be so bad if I lost weight like I used to but that doesn’t happen now and I put weight on.

I feel like I’m on a slippery sloop that I don’t want to fall off ….

Life is a struggle

I was relieved to get the first jab done which didn’t hurt so will get the second one a minimum of three weeks later but probably more likely twelve weeks on. My sister is still waiting for hers but I hope she does soon. My brother in law got his jab done weeks ago as he is that much older than us.

Unfortunately I am very severely depressed for a variety of reasons and I have lost the battle to keep fighting back at it. Even without living through a pandemic I don’t want to see my doctor as I’m all talked out. Doing CBT is boring and I’ve done it a few times so can fly through it ‘saying the right things’. Ultimately nobody can say or do anything to make the pain any better, nobody can change my past, nobody can make one person apologise to me. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, who hasn’t?

It’s one thing dealing with my own mistakes but why should I suffer for what someone else has done to me?

I am so tired of life, tired of existing, tired of pretending I’m okay. There should be more to life than just going from one day to another knowing I’m one day closer to dying. Having pets make each day bearable, being married to someone who also suffers with depression is a challenge.

COVID-19 Jab

On Tuesday I will be getting my first COVID-19 jab which is good news but also scary as it’s new. I’m surprised I am getting it so quickly as I know people who are older than me or have underlying medical conditions who haven’t had the jab yet even though I’m diabetic.

After being in our third lockdown I am so tired and depressed with everything. We have also had snow more often than not since the week before Christmas. This past week it has been particularly bad has the temperature has been very low. Yesterday and today we haven’t had Bandit out as it’s been so treacherous but hopefully we will be able to get him out.

Having an idiot neighbour doesn’t help either and we don’t even know what we have done wrong apart from having cats. We’re not the only people who have cats and he has been warned (not by us) that if anything happens to any cat he will get the blame. It’s now 8 months on and he is still being childish…..

Boredom, tiredness, lack of interest ….

Now we are on our third lockdown which is stricter and at risk of fines. I do believe the police are going too far in some areas. Two women got fined just for travelling five miles for exercise and got fined for not staying local but what defines as local?

We, under normal circumstances, will travel to places such Hartlepool, Redcar and Seaton Carew just to walk the dog. That’s out of the question as we don’t want to get fined. The most stupid reason I’ve heard of so far for being fined has been for drinking cups of tea on a walk as it’s classed as a picnic even though the people were walking. I haven’t got a problem with people being fined for a good reason such as travelling well out a local area or being in a crowd but not just drinking tea on a walk.

On the other side of the coin where were the police when we went out to walk our dog?

We went to one of our favourite parks and it was so bad for parking there was a queue. There was a queue for the cafe and plenty of people were walking around a small area of the park. We decided not to stay and went on to do some shopping and collect medication. We went to our favourite butcher’s and Rick walked the dog while I went in. Normally I wouldn’t wear a proper face mask but it was horrendous in the shop and social distancing was non-existent. I am face mask exempt but will find another way to cover my mouth and nose. After reading and hearing of people being fined for stupid reasons yet today I wondered why the police couldn’t go to the park.

After the past ten months it is getting very monotonous not going far except for ten when we got away for ten days. My concentration is beginning to worsen and I am finding it hard to do one hobby for long.

More blows for mental health

Well now we can’t go out for our Christmas meal so it’s just as well we hadn’t paid it. Not that the money matters it’s missing out on a relaxing meal in pleasant surroundings, and friendly staff being there. Fortunately we have managed to get a fresh turkey and three joints at a butcher’s at a cheaper price than the supermarkets.

It’s going to be a difficult Christmas for my sister and brother in law as they won’t be able to have a family Christmas this year with tougher restrictions there. Their youngest grandchild is coming up for 7 months old so it’s her first Christmas. We have it better than them as at least we can go out and our bubble is with our friend who lives across the road to us.

All we can hope for is next year is better than this year. My sister and brother in law couldn’t celebrate their 40th Wedding Anniversary they wanted to. We couldn’t meet our latest great niece until she was 5 1/2 months when we were able to go away for a holiday. She is adorable like all the others.

Next year one of her sisters is due to give birth to her third child which is actually a scary time for them. Their second child had Edward’s Syndrome and only lived a day which was sad for them and I am just relieved the family (including us) will never forget her. The hospital is looking after our niece due to what happened with her last pregnancy.,

I’m just struggling with severe depression and anxiety so am finding it hard to look forward to anything.

Mood not great

Well the second lockdown is finally over but most of the country seems to be in tier 3 or 2 – we’re in tier 3 – so it doesn’t feel like much has changed. I was at church this morning even though I had to motivate myself to go. It was good to see people I haven’t seen for a while.

One potential light at the end of the tunnel is that we may be able to have Christmas dinner at Tindale Crossing as usual. We will know for definite on the 16th December – it’s nice for me as I don’t have to spend so much time in the kitchen. Being waited on is an added bonus.

Lately it’s been bothering me that I have suffered sleep paralysis a few times. I didn’t even know that I had suffered it until I googled a film and read on wikipedia what it was about. Up until then I thought I had had some vivid dreams of not being able to move or speak. Now I know what’s really happened I know if it happens regularly I should ring up my GP surgery. It’s a very scary experience to go through

Dark days

I’m having a really tough time of it being so depressed and haven’t got a clue how to beat it this time. Nothing is working so I’m now at the stage that I’ve lost my appetite and forcing myself to snack even if it’s just a buscuit. Losing weight doesn’t worry me as I need to lose weight anyway but I’m scared that if I do lose weight and cheer up I’ll put the weight back on again.

Even being back to some kind of normality isn’t helping at all. It’s hard work trying to get back into a routine for swimming is a struggle. I have plenty of time yet though to complete my sponsored swim.

I’m hoping our break in October will help a bit with my mood as we haven’t been able to get away this year due to COVID-19. A few days will be spent in Essex after a week in Devon so we can see family. Getting away from an idiot neighbour will be a small relief as well

Dark days

I don’t think anybody realized how much COVID-19 would affect our daily lives or how it would globally. On a personal level my anxiety levels have gone through the roof quite a bit. One day, in the early days of lockdown, I had a mini meltdown in Tesco as there was hardly any cat food and what was left was expensive. The next day we went to Darlington as our car needed a new MOT so we went along to the closest shops for something to do. We went into B&M and I was very relieved that there was plenty of cat food there so went back when we collected the car.

Going shopping was stressful when there were stricter rules so more often that not I was wearing a mask. Some days it was unbearable as the weather was so hot. More recently I read about Hidden Disabilities which sell lanyards, cards and other stuff. It helps shop staff aware of people who may need extra help but people can also now buy face mask exemption cards. Legally shops, public areas such as railways etc can insist that people still wear masks. The only place that has insisted that we wear face masks has been our health club but that’s only till we go to the changing rooms and the same leaving.

Both of us are still struggling with depression even though we are getting back to some kind of normality. Neither of us like being out too long but I’m hoping when we go on holiday that it will help our moods.

Wearing a Mask

For most of my life, I have suffered from depression although it was 2005 that I finally accepted that.  I didn’t have any reason to be depressed and I didn’t like feeling unhappy when it reared its ugly head.

When I was 19 years old I had a son who was adopted by forced adoption which is illegal but I didn’t know that until over 23 years later. That was the time when I became severely depressed but I thought it was just postnatal depression.  At the same time, I emotionally shut down and lost trust in everybody.  After all, if I couldn’t trust my family who could I trust?

I also suffer with OCD which I manage quite well most of the time and PTSD but doctors don’t associate that with adoption.