Depression
…. and so it continues
My mood is going further down and the periods when I feel happier are much shorter. The slightest thing darkens my day although it’s probably too many little things that have built up over the years that have cummulated to be a big deal now. Things such as ….
- being constantly talked over
- constantly being interrupted
- the constant talking when I am doing absolutely anything including dealing with the important stuff in life
- the constant repetitice teasing which got boring years ago
- getting the blame for things that are beyond my control
- constantly having to listen to one person’s prblems and hurts yet when I try to get support I’m ignored or it causes a row because I’m a woman / women cope better / nothing is worse that what this person is going through
The list could go on but the reality is I’m getting emotionally put down and getting to the point of sealing my shell with me insidr in it. Aftr all the years of hard work on my part to build up my self confidence, self esteem and trust are being smashed to pieces again.
Struggling and trying to be positive
My mood has been all over the place sonce Christmas. My first positive was going back to the hospital for a blood test and got the result back before leaving which was it was normal.
The main thing for dragging my mood down has been because of our roof and was reported in October as we had a leak. We live in a bungalow and water was dripping into our lounge but after a few weeks, we had had a holiday, we had two leaks and we believe that water has been dripping into the bedroom.
When Rick rang up again we were told that we had an appointment for the 30th December and we should have been told when it was made. Of course neither of us were happy as it was winter and the weather wasn’t great and the bungalow is damp which is bad for our health. So another appointment was made for a roofer to come round. He replaced 5 tiles but told the roof on the front of the bungalow needed repaing and scaffolding would be put up first.
Scaffolding was more recently put up then we found out the roof wouldn’t be done till May so both of us were at exploding point.
Last week an electrician came round to do a safety check and we were woken up early by him so requested he came back another day. When Rick rang up to sort out a date for the safety check he was given a date which was before the roof would be done. He ended having an argument saying that it was stupid to have the safety check before the roof was done due to the damp. We felt that we were being blackmailed as we were told that if the safety test wasn’t done the roof wouldn’t get done. It seemed ridiculous as the ceiling could have come down and would be unlivable here. The attitude was if that happened the Housing Association would send a claim form. I was shocked as it comes under health and safety plus we have health issues.
We evntually won the battle and the roof has been done now and an electician is coming next week. It’s frustrating as we both suffer with depression on top of (body) health issues and our moods have suffered.
My joints are getting worse which means I don’t sleep as well which makes my mood worse. I have got to the stage that I’m hesitant to ring up for GP’s appointment as the last time I got a telephone appointment. At that point part of the pain was because of my gallbladder which was missed because I couldn’t show her where that pain was.
My name is Philippa
I wrote the following on November 7, 2015:
I am sitting with my laptop on my lap ready so here I go, “My name is Philippa and I suffer with severe depression.”
Does that scare you?
Does it make you feel awkward?
Is your instinct want to change the subject?
The subject of depression does affect people in these ways but it’s also okay to be honest. You can leave and go back to your comfort zone or you can read. If you decide to read it may help you to understand better.
Depression still has a stigma, depression sufferers still suffer in silence, people still commit suicide because they are at rock bottom. Me?
Well yes, I have suffered with depression for most of my life but have only been open for the past ten years. Why?
I didn’t understand that I did suffer with depression for several years. At 19 years old I had my son – that’s another story which will be touched on – and I knew I was suffering with post-natal depression. But. It didn’t stop there. I still suffered in silence. I was expected to get on with my life and act as if ours was a well-adjusted family to the outside world. But. I still couldn’t talk about how I was really feeling. I was just ‘moody’. I was a ‘drama queen’. There were people far worse off than me. Silence. I put on my mask and got on with my life. The alternative?
Death.
I hate being so depressed
I am really struggling with my mood being on that slippery road of going downhill. Yesterday was particularly bad as it is my most hated day of the year. It didn’t help having to remind a certain person what day it was. That said it seemed to make my mood even more but add to that I’m owed money but am still battling to get it four years on. Had it been the other way round I would have been forced to pay it yet as always me, as the victim, can’t get the money owed even though the court knows this. My words were twisted, the judge disregarded what I said and now I have a new battle to fight again just to get what’s owed to me.
It’s so tiring trying to get through each day and the weather doesn’t help. The recent heatwave has eased but it’s still difficult to decide what to wear and I’m not sleeping particularly well either. During the evenings I feel drowsy sometimes but I can guarantee by the time I get to bed I will be wide awake.
At the moment I am either watching DVDs, playing games or reading just to make the time go a bit quicker. If I’m more fortunate I start feeling drowsy. So onwards and downwards until something snaps.
Continual tiredness
I am very fed up of feeling tired all of the time regardless of whether I’ve had a good night’s sleep or not. Days seem to blur into each other so I have to remember what day it is. Waiting for deliveries doesn’t help and we don’t know when we will be having our second jabs although I am just happy we’ve had our first ones.
It seems like when I think my mood couldn’t get any lower something happens and it gets worse. I know the pandemic doesn’t help and we are limited in what we can do but I have enough to keep me busy. It doesn’t help and now I’m falling into the bad habit of not wanting to eat. That wouldn’t be so bad if I lost weight like I used to but that doesn’t happen now and I put weight on.
I feel like I’m on a slippery sloop that I don’t want to fall off ….
Life is a struggle
I was relieved to get the first jab done which didn’t hurt so will get the second one a minimum of three weeks later but probably more likely twelve weeks on. My sister is still waiting for hers but I hope she does soon. My brother in law got his jab done weeks ago as he is that much older than us.
Unfortunately I am very severely depressed for a variety of reasons and I have lost the battle to keep fighting back at it. Even without living through a pandemic I don’t want to see my doctor as I’m all talked out. Doing CBT is boring and I’ve done it a few times so can fly through it ‘saying the right things’. Ultimately nobody can say or do anything to make the pain any better, nobody can change my past, nobody can make one person apologise to me. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, who hasn’t?
It’s one thing dealing with my own mistakes but why should I suffer for what someone else has done to me?
I am so tired of life, tired of existing, tired of pretending I’m okay. There should be more to life than just going from one day to another knowing I’m one day closer to dying. Having pets make each day bearable, being married to someone who also suffers with depression is a challenge.
COVID-19 Jab
On Tuesday I will be getting my first COVID-19 jab which is good news but also scary as it’s new. I’m surprised I am getting it so quickly as I know people who are older than me or have underlying medical conditions who haven’t had the jab yet even though I’m diabetic.
After being in our third lockdown I am so tired and depressed with everything. We have also had snow more often than not since the week before Christmas. This past week it has been particularly bad has the temperature has been very low. Yesterday and today we haven’t had Bandit out as it’s been so treacherous but hopefully we will be able to get him out.
Having an idiot neighbour doesn’t help either and we don’t even know what we have done wrong apart from having cats. We’re not the only people who have cats and he has been warned (not by us) that if anything happens to any cat he will get the blame. It’s now 8 months on and he is still being childish…..
Boredom, tiredness, lack of interest ….
Now we are on our third lockdown which is stricter and at risk of fines. I do believe the police are going too far in some areas. Two women got fined just for travelling five miles for exercise and got fined for not staying local but what defines as local?
We, under normal circumstances, will travel to places such Hartlepool, Redcar and Seaton Carew just to walk the dog. That’s out of the question as we don’t want to get fined. The most stupid reason I’ve heard of so far for being fined has been for drinking cups of tea on a walk as it’s classed as a picnic even though the people were walking. I haven’t got a problem with people being fined for a good reason such as travelling well out a local area or being in a crowd but not just drinking tea on a walk.
On the other side of the coin where were the police when we went out to walk our dog?
We went to one of our favourite parks and it was so bad for parking there was a queue. There was a queue for the cafe and plenty of people were walking around a small area of the park. We decided not to stay and went on to do some shopping and collect medication. We went to our favourite butcher’s and Rick walked the dog while I went in. Normally I wouldn’t wear a proper face mask but it was horrendous in the shop and social distancing was non-existent. I am face mask exempt but will find another way to cover my mouth and nose. After reading and hearing of people being fined for stupid reasons yet today I wondered why the police couldn’t go to the park.
After the past ten months it is getting very monotonous not going far except for ten when we got away for ten days. My concentration is beginning to worsen and I am finding it hard to do one hobby for long.
More blows for mental health
Well now we can’t go out for our Christmas meal so it’s just as well we hadn’t paid it. Not that the money matters it’s missing out on a relaxing meal in pleasant surroundings, and friendly staff being there. Fortunately we have managed to get a fresh turkey and three joints at a butcher’s at a cheaper price than the supermarkets.
It’s going to be a difficult Christmas for my sister and brother in law as they won’t be able to have a family Christmas this year with tougher restrictions there. Their youngest grandchild is coming up for 7 months old so it’s her first Christmas. We have it better than them as at least we can go out and our bubble is with our friend who lives across the road to us.
All we can hope for is next year is better than this year. My sister and brother in law couldn’t celebrate their 40th Wedding Anniversary they wanted to. We couldn’t meet our latest great niece until she was 5 1/2 months when we were able to go away for a holiday. She is adorable like all the others.
Next year one of her sisters is due to give birth to her third child which is actually a scary time for them. Their second child had Edward’s Syndrome and only lived a day which was sad for them and I am just relieved the family (including us) will never forget her. The hospital is looking after our niece due to what happened with her last pregnancy.,
I’m just struggling with severe depression and anxiety so am finding it hard to look forward to anything.
Mood not great
Well the second lockdown is finally over but most of the country seems to be in tier 3 or 2 – we’re in tier 3 – so it doesn’t feel like much has changed. I was at church this morning even though I had to motivate myself to go. It was good to see people I haven’t seen for a while.
One potential light at the end of the tunnel is that we may be able to have Christmas dinner at Tindale Crossing as usual. We will know for definite on the 16th December – it’s nice for me as I don’t have to spend so much time in the kitchen. Being waited on is an added bonus.
Lately it’s been bothering me that I have suffered sleep paralysis a few times. I didn’t even know that I had suffered it until I googled a film and read on wikipedia what it was about. Up until then I thought I had had some vivid dreams of not being able to move or speak. Now I know what’s really happened I know if it happens regularly I should ring up my GP surgery. It’s a very scary experience to go through