Blog
So much has happened over the past few months including moving.
It’s such a relieve to get away from our neighbour from hell and having an extra bedroom has certainly helped. Now we are in a small village and have a lovely view of the countryside and stables across the road. The cats have settled in very well and like the peace.
We have managed to get down south a couple of times so I’m glad we’ve still managed to see family. Rick’s eldest brother recently had open heart surgery which was one of the reasons for travelling. He hasn’t changed over the years except for cutting down on his drinking and has stopped smoking.
Rick’s sister is suffering with her health as well and has had a pacemaker fitted. She’s the ‘fit one’ so it surprsied us but seems to be getting now. It’s almost shocking that three out five siblings have a heart condition now.
My brother-in-law is also going through it with health conditions with the latest being cancer. Last year he had his ureter and one kidney removed and has coped quite well with his recovery on the whole.
I have had cataracts removed from both eyes and it’s great to see so well again. If this had been forty years ago there is no way I would have had it done but surgery has moved on quite a bit. Rick has also had his left eye done and will get his right eye done soon as well.
Life in generally is slowly getting better again.
At my lowest ….
Need Sleep
I have been sleeping poorly for so long I can’t remember what it’s like to have a few food nights sleep. Being a Sunday it was a bad time to be tired as I do the recording of the service but as it turned out I couldn’t today. There was a card error and we don’t have a spare card of camera. It made Rick’s life easier as he couldn’t edit it this afternoon.
This afternoon I kept dozing off which I don’t like doing as a rule. It was proving to be difficult not to give in which meant I have felt worse so hope to sleep better tonight.
I’m still suffering with low mood and being tired doesn’t help. On top of everything else my brother-in-law has cancer . He’s elderly as well but it was decided that he would be fit enough for an operation and he, more importantly, decided it’s what he wanted. The operation was just over a week ago and went well. His mobility needs to be better than it has been before he goes home but that’s nothing to worry about.
Struggling with depression
Lately I have been suffering with severe depression which, in turn, has affected my sleeping. It’s soul destroying not getting enough sleep as well then anxiety has kicked in as well. Of course it’s also made me very snappy which I’ve been trying to curb.
Today has been particularly bad due to having changed energy supplier. We were with EDF who are a nightmare to deal with at the best of times but being on pay as you go as well hasn’t helped. Yesterday was day one of being with Utilita so I made a payment online as it suits me doing it that way. By this morning the credit still wasn’t showing and at about 11am the electricity went off completely so we had to make a phone call. After waiting about 50 minutes we finally spoke to a real person who then had to deal with the situation his end. Eventually the electricity came back on and the credit was showing on the account.
The one good thing that came out of it was that the emplyee made sure that it has been noted on my account that we are disabled which helps with getting priority treatment. I don’t like playing the disability card as a rule but I don’t think my mental health can cope with energy problems too often.
Rollercoaster
Over the past few months my mood has been up and down …. mostly down.
We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary last year and had a party two days earlier as the actual day was a Monday. Family members and friends made an effort to come up which we were pleased about and the party went well.
Christmas was quiet as usual and we had our Christmas meal at our usual venue. The week before we had gone out for the annual church Christmas dinner at a restaurent we haven’t been to before.
Since Christmas I have been in A&E for 14 hours due to gallbladder problems again plus being very dehydrated. Having intravenous fluids helped, had another scan and had bloods taken so I was relieved to get home.
Almost three weeks ago so called friends went to New Zealand for 51/2 weeks so we were looking after their dog. It meant one of us staying over each night as their dog isn’t very good with other dogs and we have got cats. Everything was fine until last when I had a video with one of them at 7am who was his usual self. I could hear his husband telling him to tell me stop over feeding their dog. I hadn’t been over feeding the dog so told them that I had heard what had been said and to leave it at that.
When my husband rang five minutes later I told him what had happened he shot round to the house. He video called them and the one who believed I had over fed their dog answered. He went into a foul mouthed vent which included threatening to come round to our home and trash it when they get home.
Now the poor dog is being left for most of the day which is wrong but we can’t do anything about that.
…. and so it continues
My mood is going further down and the periods when I feel happier are much shorter. The slightest thing darkens my day although it’s probably too many little things that have built up over the years that have cummulated to be a big deal now. Things such as ….
- being constantly talked over
- constantly being interrupted
- the constant talking when I am doing absolutely anything including dealing with the important stuff in life
- the constant repetitice teasing which got boring years ago
- getting the blame for things that are beyond my control
- constantly having to listen to one person’s prblems and hurts yet when I try to get support I’m ignored or it causes a row because I’m a woman / women cope better / nothing is worse that what this person is going through
The list could go on but the reality is I’m getting emotionally put down and getting to the point of sealing my shell with me insidr in it. Aftr all the years of hard work on my part to build up my self confidence, self esteem and trust are being smashed to pieces again.
Struggling and trying to be positive
My mood has been all over the place sonce Christmas. My first positive was going back to the hospital for a blood test and got the result back before leaving which was it was normal.
The main thing for dragging my mood down has been because of our roof and was reported in October as we had a leak. We live in a bungalow and water was dripping into our lounge but after a few weeks, we had had a holiday, we had two leaks and we believe that water has been dripping into the bedroom.
When Rick rang up again we were told that we had an appointment for the 30th December and we should have been told when it was made. Of course neither of us were happy as it was winter and the weather wasn’t great and the bungalow is damp which is bad for our health. So another appointment was made for a roofer to come round. He replaced 5 tiles but told the roof on the front of the bungalow needed repaing and scaffolding would be put up first.
Scaffolding was more recently put up then we found out the roof wouldn’t be done till May so both of us were at exploding point.
Last week an electrician came round to do a safety check and we were woken up early by him so requested he came back another day. When Rick rang up to sort out a date for the safety check he was given a date which was before the roof would be done. He ended having an argument saying that it was stupid to have the safety check before the roof was done due to the damp. We felt that we were being blackmailed as we were told that if the safety test wasn’t done the roof wouldn’t get done. It seemed ridiculous as the ceiling could have come down and would be unlivable here. The attitude was if that happened the Housing Association would send a claim form. I was shocked as it comes under health and safety plus we have health issues.
We evntually won the battle and the roof has been done now and an electician is coming next week. It’s frustrating as we both suffer with depression on top of (body) health issues and our moods have suffered.
My joints are getting worse which means I don’t sleep as well which makes my mood worse. I have got to the stage that I’m hesitant to ring up for GP’s appointment as the last time I got a telephone appointment. At that point part of the pain was because of my gallbladder which was missed because I couldn’t show her where that pain was.
Illness …..
Yesterday I overdid it with our Christmas dinner which was at our local Brewers Fayre, Tindale Crossing, with our friends. Probably the free glass of Prosesco and glass of red wine added to how I felt but it was worth it to actually eat a three course meal.
While I was in hospital it made me realize how precious life is even though I have always cared about other peoples health. Mine has never been important to me and Wednesday was the clincher as my blood pressure went down to 90/60. One of my blood pressure tablets was stopped as a temporary meaure. What helped me through was keeping my focus on God as well as knowing my family, church family and friends being supportive.
It was still a relief on Friday being told my gallbladder was getting better and I could go home. I am thankful for the level of care I got and was told for someone who was in so much pain I was very cheerful.
Battling illness
For such a long time I have been depressed, continually tired and achy, new aches and pains haven’t bothered me. That was until we went away to visit family. I was fine until the Friday (early morning) and woke up with acid reflux which I don’t suffer with very often. After a short time it turned into a sharp pain round my right ribs and a dull ache in my stomach on the right side.
During the day I felt dizzy and vomitted a few times so stopped eating and drinking. We had a chat with a pharmacist who suggested we rang 111. Rick tried on and off for several hours and eventually we ended up at Basildon Hospital at 1am Saturday. After 5 hours, blood taken and still not knowing what was wrong I gave in to Rick about leaving.
Over the weekend the pain didn’t get any better and we decided to come home after lunch round at my sister and brother in law’s. On Monday we finally got through to 111 as we picked up Bandit from the kennels. I was told an ambulance would be sent out so Rick suggested taking me to Darlington Memorial Hospital as we were out.
To be continued ….
My name is Philippa
I wrote the following on November 7, 2015:
I am sitting with my laptop on my lap ready so here I go, “My name is Philippa and I suffer with severe depression.”
Does that scare you?
Does it make you feel awkward?
Is your instinct want to change the subject?
The subject of depression does affect people in these ways but it’s also okay to be honest. You can leave and go back to your comfort zone or you can read. If you decide to read it may help you to understand better.
Depression still has a stigma, depression sufferers still suffer in silence, people still commit suicide because they are at rock bottom. Me?
Well yes, I have suffered with depression for most of my life but have only been open for the past ten years. Why?
I didn’t understand that I did suffer with depression for several years. At 19 years old I had my son – that’s another story which will be touched on – and I knew I was suffering with post-natal depression. But. It didn’t stop there. I still suffered in silence. I was expected to get on with my life and act as if ours was a well-adjusted family to the outside world. But. I still couldn’t talk about how I was really feeling. I was just ‘moody’. I was a ‘drama queen’. There were people far worse off than me. Silence. I put on my mask and got on with my life. The alternative?
Death.