Wearing a Mask

I hate being so depressed

I am really struggling with my mood being on that slippery road of going downhill. Yesterday was particularly bad as it is my most hated day of the year. It didn’t help having to remind a certain person what day it was. That said it seemed to make my mood even more but add to that I’m owed money but am still battling to get it four years on. Had it been the other way round I would have been forced to pay it yet as always me, as the victim, can’t get the money owed even though the court knows this. My words were twisted, the judge disregarded what I said and now I have a new battle to fight again just to get what’s owed to me.

It’s so tiring trying to get through each day and the weather doesn’t help. The recent heatwave has eased but it’s still difficult to decide what to wear and I’m not sleeping particularly well either. During the evenings I feel drowsy sometimes but I can guarantee by the time I get to bed I will be wide awake.

At the moment I am either watching DVDs, playing games or reading just to make the time go a bit quicker. If I’m more fortunate I start feeling drowsy. So onwards and downwards until something snaps.

Mood still up and down

It’s still the story of my life that I wear my mask. I often think it would scare the heck out of friends and family if they could live in my head for a week. One minute I can be fine and coping, the next I will have horrendous thoughts of death and how much better this world would be without me. No doubt there could be many people who would consider this as selfish, self-centred and a pity party but if they have never suffered with long term depression they don’t have a clue.

I grew up within a family where there was no reason to be depressed and there ‘are people out there with real problems’. Well yes I do agree with that but depression can hit anybody at any time no matter how good their life is. I grew up feeling very lonely at times despite having a family that loved me and had friends. All I can put it down to is initially having undiagnosed deafness in my right ear therefore not hearing anybody properly. Once it was diagnosed help was put in place which included speech therapy as I wasn’t talking properly. However, social events such as birthdays, going out for meals and going to discos / nightclubs have been difficult due to the noise. It’s impossible to explain to someone who has hearing in both ears how much I have to concentrate on one conversation. A favourite stupid question I’ve been asked over the years is “What’s it like being deaf in one ear?”

I’ve never known what it’s like to hear with both ears so how should I know?

My response has always been “What’s it like to hear with both ears?”

It makes people think and I appreciate it when I have conversations with people who lose hearing in one or both ears as they ‘get it’.

Having gone through a traumatic experience when I was 19 I wish I could just get over it but I can never can as I can’t wipe it out of my life. Being expected to get on with my life, never talking about it made life intolerable for me and changed my life forever as it destroyed my future life. It’s only recent years that I’ve been able to talk to my sister and she has been told of a couple of hurtful incidents. She had no knowledge of these two (been more) but that’s not her fault that nobody told her before.

Getting on with life

Last November I had a special birthday, and, Rick and my sister insisted on doing something even though I didn’t really want a fuss. I enjoyed the evening having the family together including Rick’s sisters being there and> one of their husbands. Two friends and their partners were there as well. My cake was enough to make me smile as it was Dr Who themed with the base representing the universe and the top halve having the T.A.R.D.I.S. and a Dalek on it. Part of one of my birthday presents is a T.A.R.D.I.S. biscuit container.

It was funny about half way through the evening as one of my (great) nieces who is 5 years old asked me when I was going to open my presents. Her mum, my niece, gently told her not to be rude and adult birthdays are different from childrens parties. Her face dropped so I asked her if she would like to help me and she immediately smiled. We had been visiting family so were able to see her on her birthday.

Thank you Olivia for making my birthday even more special, your Nanna told me that you, your sisters and cousins like opening other family members birthday presents which made me laugh. I even had help blowing out the candles on the cake from James and Amelia.

Christmas came and went quietly as usual although this time we were able to have our meal out. It isn’t the same these days unlike when we were younger.

We have been away for Rick’s birthday recently to Edinburgh. We managed to see quite a bit of the city centre but there is still more to see if we go back there. One day we went to Dundee which is really nice. The Discovery is there so we had a look round it and the museum.

Our next planned break is in November and we will be staying at Fort William. I have wanted to see that part of Scotland for many years as Glencoe is near there. I am a Macdonald descendent on my maternal line as my Nanna was one. Apparantly there is a monument for the Massacre of Glencoe so even more reason for going there.

Darkness never ending

There have been a few bright moments which have helped my mood but having a NfH (neighbour from hell) hasn’t helped. It helped initially getting an interim injunction against but then he decided to bite whilst ignoring most of why we wanted an injunction in the first place. What makes it worse is that one neighbour has decided to be really spiteful and accused me of throwing stones at the NfH and Rick took pictures of his granddaughter. Now I’m 4ft 10ins tall, have osteoarthritis which includes affecting my hands and right wrist, and, we have a six foot tall fence so it’s impossible for me to throw stones over the fence. The NfH is tall enough that he could and did chuck stones overour fence. I would never chuck stones anyway but our friend parks his car outside his home so I wouldn’t want to hit his car accidentally.

Rick has never taken pictures of any female on her own except for family and we don’t even know who is the neighbour’s granddaughter. I’ve taken pictures to prove the NfH has parked up badly, how we park up to prove we are telling the truth and from when it was very icy earlier this year. We were both made prisoners of our home a few times due to him parking up badly where we used to and not being able to get across the car park. The NfH has cancer and has claimed that he is really poorly yet if he was that poorly he would be parking outside his own home.

A handful of neighbours have signed a written paper that our cats foul in their gardens. What infuriates me is that They can’t this and at least half of them have dogs including the NfH. He has already been warned by our enforcement officer from our Housing Association that if any cat is hurt or killed he will be blamed because of his threat. There are a lot of cats on the estate and a few visit us. An immediate neighbour who also added his name has encouraged our cats to go to him so it’s his fault so has no right to complain. He also owes us money which we know we’ll never get back. Fortunately it’s a small amount otherwise we would have gone through the small claims court to get it.

I don’t care what the neighbours think of us as we haven’t to any of them much as that’s the way we like it except for the immediate neighbour who has been very pushy. He claims we should be careful with the NfH as a traveller connection over this dispute which has gone on for about 17 months so far. My response has always been that if any travellers cause us probelems then we will deal with it legally and involve the police. As the neighbour knows we are telling the truth, witnessed some of what’s gone on and knows the police have been involved he is being very foolish by being prepared to lie for the NfH. People who tell lies eventually get caught out and for once it will teach him a valuable lesson if he gets caught out.

We have been attending a new church for months now and it is one thing that is keeping me going. The only problem is I hate going out as I’m worried about what he will do.

Distractions

Life is slightly better than it has been but I’m still struggling with motivation.

I eventually had a telephone appointment with one of the GPs at the surgery about my hips and lower back. Osteoarthritis has been a problem for a number of years and I have a trapped nerve n my lower back. Now I am at the point where I’m in constant pain and I struggle with standing up as I am so stiff. On Wednesday, last week, I had an x-ray so now I’m waiting to find out if my hips and lower back are worse. It is gettng me down so much.

We had retinal scans last week as well and Rck has had a letter sayng he will have another appointment in 6 months time due to chsnges wth hs eyes. I know we are due to get our eyes tested soon as well.

On Monday we were at court as we’ve had more than enough of our neighbour from hell. He didn’t attend because his ‘sister who is his carer has COVID’ and he is ‘self isolating’. I have taken that wth a pinch of salt as he is out and about regularly which includes walking his dog but I can’t call him a liar. The deputy judge tried three times and the phone went through to voicemail and one attempt he did answer then the phone went dead. It didn’t make any difference as the case went through in our favour as there is an interim injunction then in two months times there is another court appointment.

The Meaning of Life ….

People will give different answers to that and at times I really struggle with this – usually when my mood is very low. I am still having problems with sleeping so that isn’t helping either.

When I was young I thought my life would pan out like my parents and friends families but I was so wrong. I won’t blame anyone, it’s a case of circumstances that led me not having the life I thought I would have. Not understanding that I was already suffering with depression from a young age was an added problem. There was no reason for me to be depressed and I felt ashamed for feeling so low as a teenager. Maybe if I had known my life would have been much simpler.

One of the hardest parts has been not having a family of my own to raise. I was deprived the right to raise my son due to the lies I was told so I am also missing out on seeing my grandson. It hurts and I wish my son would come to terms to his issues but he is in denial. I am glad that my sister and I started talking after years of not talking but a subjuct that needs raising here. She was blessed with three beautiful girls and equally special grandchildren.

Struggling

My mood has been worse over the past few weeks and I’m so tired all of the time. Sleep is a problem as well and I’m stuck for ideas to help me sleep.

One happy bit of news is we have a new great nephew called Alex who arrived two weeks early weighing 8lbs 3oz so a very good weight. I am looking forward to when we can visit family.

The not so good news is one of my cousins is seriously ill in hospital with 1% chance of survival. I haven’t since much of him and his brothers or my other two cousins since my 20’s apart from funerals and special occasions. Yet it been great to see them. It makes me think more about my mortality as the cousin in hospital is the same age as me.

Continual tiredness

I am very fed up of feeling tired all of the time regardless of whether I’ve had a good night’s sleep or not. Days seem to blur into each other so I have to remember what day it is. Waiting for deliveries doesn’t help and we don’t know when we will be having our second jabs although I am just happy we’ve had our first ones.

It seems like when I think my mood couldn’t get any lower something happens and it gets worse. I know the pandemic doesn’t help and we are limited in what we can do but I have enough to keep me busy. It doesn’t help and now I’m falling into the bad habit of not wanting to eat. That wouldn’t be so bad if I lost weight like I used to but that doesn’t happen now and I put weight on.

I feel like I’m on a slippery sloop that I don’t want to fall off ….

Why us?

I am so fed up of a neighbour from hell and it feels like he will continually get away with his appalling behaviour. He’s back to his usual of keeping an eye for when we go out so he can get to his gate and stare. We know he will keep checking so he can do the same when we return. If we go out into the garden he will stay out in his garden until he is certain we are unlikely to stay out there.

Today we went out for a couple of hours and when we got back a wheelie bin full of rubbish had been chucked over into our garden. We believe it’s got everything to do with the neighbour from hell but we can’t prove it. The wheelie bin had been chucked over the fence from the empty bungalow next door and close to the external wall of the bungalow. We also believe it was because we have replaced our security camera which had been snapped of the wall.

It’s now 8 months that the neighbour from hell as made our lives a misery and we still don’t know why. On Monday he started his abuse again after giving it a rest for a short time. It hasn’t stopped his appalling parking because he believes it annoys us. What he doesn’t seem to understand is we can keep a better eye on our car where we park now.

On Monday I hung laundry out in the garden as it was a nice, Rick cleaned up outside and our friend was with us helping out. The neighbour from hell came out and started on the usual abuse and that dog poop was being washed outside. I went out with my phone as I had it on to record but there was only water and disinfectant running under the gate. He was still shouting abuse then started chucking stones from his garden over our fence and aiming at all three of us. A couple hit Rick but we can’t proof it so Rick turned our hose onto him which didn’t stop him immediately then he did the same with his hose.

I rang the police while this was going on but of course by the time the police came out it was too late for them to see the stone throwing. The stupid person told the police as they were walking over to us to watch where they walked due to dog poop in our garden and we have a vicious dog. The police could see there wasn’t any dog poop and our dog is so vicious he licked their hands which made them smile.

The neighbour from hell told his usual lies so we all got the usual advice about ignoring each but as I kept pointing out he ignores the advice. He is good at trying different ways of annoying us then he starts on the abuse again. The sooner the security camera is working the better as it’s an audio one and will pick up all his abuse. He was shouting at someone that we’re putting up another camera and we know he isn’t happy. Our housing enforcement officer knows we’ve put up a new camera – we had to get permission for the first one to go up – and the police know now as well. It’s just a shame it’s not on until the app for it on my phone till Rick’s managed to scan it. More the reason for believing it is the stupid neighbout trying to cause damage.

Life is a struggle

I was relieved to get the first jab done which didn’t hurt so will get the second one a minimum of three weeks later but probably more likely twelve weeks on. My sister is still waiting for hers but I hope she does soon. My brother in law got his jab done weeks ago as he is that much older than us.

Unfortunately I am very severely depressed for a variety of reasons and I have lost the battle to keep fighting back at it. Even without living through a pandemic I don’t want to see my doctor as I’m all talked out. Doing CBT is boring and I’ve done it a few times so can fly through it ‘saying the right things’. Ultimately nobody can say or do anything to make the pain any better, nobody can change my past, nobody can make one person apologise to me. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, who hasn’t?

It’s one thing dealing with my own mistakes but why should I suffer for what someone else has done to me?

I am so tired of life, tired of existing, tired of pretending I’m okay. There should be more to life than just going from one day to another knowing I’m one day closer to dying. Having pets make each day bearable, being married to someone who also suffers with depression is a challenge.